你能写出更好的文章吗?(英文)

darksider

because and and are conjunctions,they used to connect two sentences into one.
If your sentence does make sense,of course there is a differece.

Let me teach you what is redundancy.
What's redundancy?
let me show you some examples.

Please repeat again. Repeat= say again
So it becomes please say again again,so we should discard the second again.

And normally teachers in school will say this,even the policeman,"Please remember to take your I/C card","Hey encik,keluarkan I/C card anda." and so on,you know I/C=identity card,but they said I/c card,so it's totally equal to Identity card card,so this sentence is redundant.Are you clear abt this now?

The rains are like silver arrows penetrating through sailor hearts.
Penetrating=going through,so it becomes going through through,it's redundant,so pls make it clear when you write a sentence.

All this are common mistakes made by people in Malaysia.It's a ugly mistake.

Although he is poor but he is host.
Although is equal to in spite of.
=in spite of he is poor but he is lost,this has been written incorrectly.
The correct answer is Although he is poor,he is honest.

He is poor,he is honest.
He is poor but he is honest.
Although he is poor,he is honest.
In spite of his poverty,he is honest.

[ 本帖最后由 darksider 于 6-12-2006 12:52 AM 编辑 ]

darksider

If you want to write a good essay,pls dont repeat word that is being used,apply more vocab into your essay,it will be impressive and absolutely awesome.A good thesaurus will definitely improve your vocabulary,I've bought one which is published by Reader Digest,it's entitled "Family Words Finder"


Consider 5W1H,which is who,why,when,which,what and how.There is no way you cant write a good essay if you apply this when you're writing.This is when you narrate something(tell a story).

when you're writing facts,use this formula,S.E.I which is State,Explain and Illustrate.

my exams are imminent,i still have many assignment left in my shoulder,i can teach you how to write a good essay later when i have finished my examination,Ciao.

[ 本帖最后由 darksider 于 6-12-2006 01:00 AM 编辑 ]

真的,我当然希望你能教我多些,这是第二篇问章,但来不及加入你所说的一些重点,但下次我会多注意的.

Our IT department will delete the entire scanning document store in the Toshiba machine at general office on 7th Dec 2006 (Thrusday) 9am. Please save the entire necessary document to your computer to avoid any losing for your value information. Sorry for any inconvenience cause.

The purpose for our action it is because the memory of the Toshiba machine is lack of memory space, and some irresponsible user do not delete their document on Toshiba Machine after transfer the document to their own computer. Since the document become more and more, the machine cannot function well and always occur some unexpected error. This matter not only decrease the productivity and efficiency, it is wasting company resource as well.

We hope that everyone can co-operate with our IT Department and your understanding will be high appreciated. Thank you.

darksider

原帖由 stanley225 于 6-12-2006 03:07 PM 发表
真的,我当然希望你能教我多些,这是第二篇问章,但来不及加入你所说的一些重点,但下次我会多注意的.

Our IT department will delete the entire scanning document store in the Toshiba machine at general ...

你这章有很多错误，grammar,tenses..考试完了我才教你。


Finally,we hope that you can fully comprehend with our company.Your understanding will be highly appreciated,thank you.

High appreciated (X)
Appreciate-verb
High-adjective

Let I (应该用me) teach you some parts of speech.
Adjective only used to decribe noun/pronoun,eg:The pompous(adj) man(n) won't acknowledge anyone in the school. 2)The cars(n) are beautiful(adj).

Adverb has 3 functions-1)used to decribe the verb
                        eg:He walks slowly.
                      2)used to describe adjective
                        eg:He is absolutely brilliant.
                       3)used to describe adverb
                        eg:He walks completely slowly.

You may use a dictionary to check out the parts of speech of each word.

Good bye,ive to stop here,i will be going to futsal later ,adious.

[ 本帖最后由 Jasminefow 于 6-12-2006 01:48 PM 编辑 ]

darksider

http://chinese2.cari.com.my/myfo ... ;extra=#pid20236651

This is a tenses formulae which has written by me.
Take a glance at it and you will definitely improve.

火柴_天堂

其实,不是很清楚你要表达什么.

The lack of hard disk space caused by duplicate copies of scanned document stored on the shared server on the Toshiba machine had been affecting the computer performance, causing downtimes and inefficiencies. In order to free up space, the IT department will be deleting all scanned documents stored in the shared drive on 7th Dec 2006 (Thrusday) 9am.

Please save all required documents to your computers to prevent loss of information/data. Sorry for any incovenience caused.

Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

Jasminefow

鼓励各位亲爱的网友互相指点及学习
而并非批评网友的英文程度
相信大家都能够从不同的网友身上学习到不同的事情

Jasminefow

原帖由 darksider 于 5-12-2006 08:58 AM 发表
If you want to write a good essay,pls dont repeat word that is being used,apply more vocab into your essay,it will be impressive and absolutely awesome.A good thesaurus will definitely improve your ...

虽然用多vocab可以让文章看起来比较有深度
可是一篇好文章最重要的有稳固的基础
并非花俏的用词

共勉之

非常感谢火柴_天堂，版主，和darksider.谢谢大伙的回复，我每天不停的思考      darksider说的错误和我必须注意的一些细节，我都记下来了。也感谢版主地从旁指点，让我学到不少东西。当然少不了火柴_天堂你的‘梦幻’文章，是我非常期待的回复之一。我非常期待你的回应，我常常那你的文章和我的文章作比较，你的文章让我受益不浅。真得非常谢谢大家。下一篇我想写一些关于我个人想法的文章，所以我非常希望有更多人改写它，特别是火柴_天堂的该篇。。。。好让我知道如何用更好文字或词语来表达得更吸引人。

还有版主和darksider一定要多多执教，最好也改写改写我的文章，那大家真的是有福了。。。

rebin

很晕@ @
不懂你要表达什么

Our IT department will delete the entire scanning document store in the Toshiba machine at general office on 7th Dec 2006 (Thrusday) 9am. Please save the entire necessary document to your computer to avoid any losing for your value information. Sorry for any inconvenience cause.

The purpose for our action it is because the memory of the Toshiba machine is lack of memory space, and some irresponsible user do not delete their document on Toshiba Machine after transfer the document to their own computer. Since the document become more and more, the machine cannot function well and always occur some unexpected error. This matter not only decrease the productivity and efficiency, it is wasting company resource as well.
We hope that everyone can co-operate with our IT Department and your understanding will be high appreciated. Thank you.

Our IT department will delete the whole Toshiba machines' document-scanning storage at the general office at 9 am on 7th Dec 2006. Please save any of your documents which are necessary to your computer to avoid the loss of valuable information. Sorry for any inconvenince caused.

The purpose of our action is to curb the problem of lack of memory space. A lot of irresponsible users do not delete their own files on the machines after transfering their documents. The huge ammount of documents cause the machines not function well and face some unexpected errors. （什么意思？) Not only affecting the productivity and efficiency, this problem is also wasting the resources of the company.

We really hope that everyone can show your understanding with us. Your corperation will be highly appreciated. Thanks.




我已经尽力照着原意改了。

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[ 本帖最后由 rebin 于 9-12-2006 01:43 AM 编辑 ]

rebin

The lack of hard disk space caused by duplicate （应该用passive form,“duplicated”）copies of scanned document （复数）stored on the shared server on the Toshiba machine (有重复的on,谁可以纠正？shared server of toshiba machines？）had been affecting (has been affecting) the computer performance, causing downtimes and inefficiencies. In order to free up space, the IT department will be deleting (future continuous tense 是指特定时间，如果放在这里，意思就便会是正9点，会正在删除）all scanned documents stored in the shared drive （如果照着上面，用on) on 7th Dec 2006 (Thrusday) 9am.

Please save all required documents to your computers to prevent loss of information/data. Sorry for any incovenience caused.

Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

冒昧打岔。如有错误，请纠正。我们一同学习。

火柴_天堂

我是想针对第二篇文章,发表我的感想.我是觉得第二篇文章内容结构很乱,所以即使照你原来内容结构来修改语法及词汇,还是差强人意,绝对不是针对楼主,只是很有建设性的讨论.

以我的愚见,第二篇文章应该是要发给公司职员的一个通告,所以,写法必须专业些,所以,不要写有人不负责任,还是什么的,感觉上是在责备人.还有就是写文章得有条理,无论是什么语言都一样.我是觉得第二篇文章没有很好的内容构思,如果内容稍微整理一些,其实有很多句子是可以省略,要表达的讯息也比较清楚.正所谓言简意赅.

还有,谢谢大家对我文章的指正.

火柴_天堂

虽然用多vocab可以让文章看起来比较有深度
可是一篇好文章最重要的有稳固的基础
并非花俏的用词

共勉之

基础很重要,掌握了英文语法以后,下一步就是增强词汇.

我想,如果你有很强的词汇,在适当的时候把它们派上用场,是真的能让整篇文章更生动.尤其是在写描述文是,好的词汇真的能让文章更生色.

所以,最重要的还是学好基础.但是,如果多使用不同的词汇,并非花俏的用词哦.

先向大家说声谢谢.原文不好(我承认),因此照原文来修改,当然无法改到很好.但是非常感谢rebin兄,我知道你已经尽力了.
我的英文真的不好,所以真的非常希望大家(火柴_天堂,版主,darksider,rebin)能给我多一些指导和批评,我一定会虚心学习的.

Jasminefow

原帖由 火柴_天堂 于 8-12-2006 10:59 AM 发表


基础很重要,掌握了英文语法以后,下一步就是增强词汇.

我想,如果你有很强的词汇,在适当的时候把它们派上用场,是真的能让整篇文章更生动.尤其是在写描述文是,好的词汇真的能让文章更生色.

所以,最重要的还 ...

嗯这我赞同的
只是看过很多人以为放一些词汇进去=好文章
搞得文章乱七八糟而已＾＾

如果能够以简单的字把意思表达出来
也能够是一篇很有影响力的文章

第三篇文章...多多指教,尽量批评,再写出更好的文章, 好让我知道我写的多烂,也让我知道原来还能如此的写,让文章显得更好,更能表答出这文章要表达的含义.

Since the first day we come to this world until we leave the world, one thing it cannot be missing in our short life span time, it is love. When people fall in love, it is really a sweet moment. But the much sweetest of the love, the more pain you get when the love is over. When love is end, normally one or both of them try hard to go out from the relationship, but why finally they fall deeper?


I had heard a story, its talk about a people stay at US, the guy never concerned about his neighbor, they did not talk with each other, or I could said that they never aware each other although they be a neighbor around 5 years. One day, his neighbor went out but left their son alone at home, and they house had been burning, the guy heard the child ask for helped, he did not care about himself and went to save the child. After that day, the guy love the child more than his parents, he will very worry for the child when his sick, he will sad and down when he do worst in his exam, he will cry and said “I ignore my life to save you out from the fired, why you do not cherish about it.”

The story actually wants to describe that “much of you scarify, much hard for you give it up”. That’s why we cannot simply give up a relationship especially love, because you give much to your lover when you fall in love, so you cannot give up easier. If you really want to give up a relationship, the first thing you need to do is forget what do you pay before and stop to pay anymore.

rebin

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原帖由 stanley225 于 9-12-2006 12:03 PM 发表
Since the first day we come to this world until we leave the world, one thing it cannot be missing in our short life span time, it is love. When people fall in love, it is really a sweet moment. But the much sweetest of the love, the more pain you get when the love is over. When love is end, normally one or both of them try hard to go out from the relationship, but why finally they fall deeper?

I had heard a story, its talk about a people stay at US, the guy never concerned about his neighbor, they did not talk with each other, or I could said that they never aware each other although they be a neighbor around 5 years. One day, his neighbor went out but left their son alone at home, and they house had been burning, the guy heard the child ask for helped, he did not care about himself and went to save the child. After that day, the guy love the child more than his parents, he will very worry for the child when his sick, he will sad and down when he do worst in his exam, he will cry and said “I ignore my life to save you out from the fired, why you do not cherish about it.”

The story actually wants to describe that “much of you scarify, much hard for you give it up”. That’s why we cannot simply give up a relationship especially love, because you give much to your lover when you fall in love, so you cannot give up easier. If you really want to give up a relationship, the first thing you need to do is forget what do you pay before and stop to pay anymore

Ever since the first day we came to this world, the only thing that cannot be missed out in our short life span is love (已经说了lifespan，所以till we leave the world可以深略掉）。Falling in love is really a sweet moment. However, the sweeter the love is, more the pain it has. When the love comes to an end, usually anyone of them tries to get out of this relationship, ultimately the deeper they fall into it nevertheless（这句不明白，如果已经结束了，为何他们还要离开这关系？）。

I have heard of this story. It was about a person who was living in the US. This person was never concerned about his neighbor (British 是 neighbour)。He never talked to them and was not even aware of their existence for 5 years. One day, his neighbour left their son alone at home.The house caught fire. This guy heard the child's crying for help. He went into the house and saved the child, risking his own life. Ever since this incident, this guy loved much more than the parents did. He was worried when the child was ill and sad when he did bad in exams. He cried and told the kid, “i ignored my safety to save you out from the fire, why couldn't you cherish your own life？”（珍惜什么？ )

This story actually tells that the more u sacrify,the harder you can give it up. That is why we could not just end a relationship such as love so easily because you have sacrificed a lot for your lover when falling in love. If you really want to do so, the very first thing is to forget what you have paid for and stop paying for more.

这篇更有挑战性。我只是改GRAMMAR罢了。并不是最好的文章。还可以再改到更好。


很有意思的文章^^

不过太过华人MINDSET OF CONSTRUCTING A SENTENCE。

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[ 本帖最后由 rebin 于 9-12-2006 05:58 PM 编辑 ]

darksider

Why there is licence/license,and practise/practice?
Licence=noun License=verb
Practise=verb Practice=noun

I got my licence lacquared this morning.
I am licensed to kill the lion inside the forest.

Let's do some practice in the pitch.
Let's  practise free kick while waiting for Mr Alan.

do you got what im trying to tell you?

Upon=on,Upon is used when sth is moving,on is used when sth is stationary.

Can you pls sit on the chair?(when you sit,you're stationary)
Can you pls jump upon the gate?(You are jumping-movement)

in(stationary)=into(movement)
Your pen is in my pencil box.(stationary)
Can you place the pile of books into my room?(movement)

I will tell more about essay after my exams.

chingfong85

原帖由 rebin 于 9-12-2006 17:49 发表
.... He cried and told the kid, “i ignored my safety to save you out from the fire, why couldn't you cherish your own life？”（

wouldn't??
couldn't??

火柴_天堂

Human beings are blessed/surrounded with love towards each other in their short lifespan in this world. Falling in love is really a sweet moment. More often than not, the deeper the love is, the greater is the pain when love is over. When love/a relationship ends, it is reasonable for parties in a relationship to get out of the relationship and move on, but when one is nursing their sorrows, they invariably fall deeper into it. (欲罢不能?)

There was a story about a guy living in the US. This guy never cared about his neighbours nor did he talk to his neighbours. It was reasonable to assume that they didn't know each other's existence although they had lived in the same neighbourhood (had been neighbours) for over 5 years.

On one fateful day, the neighbours went out and left their son alone at home. The house caught fire and started burning. The guy heard a child calling/screaming for help from the burning house. Without hesitation, he went into the burning house and saved the child (selflessly). After the incident, the guy grew fonder of the child and began to love the child more than his parents. He was worried when the child fell sick. He felt sad when the child did not work hard for his exams and would tell him that "I risked my life to save you from the fire, why won't you cherish the opportunity to live and work hard?".

The story shows that it is difficult for one to stop caring for a person when one has sacrificed a lot for the person.

That is why it is difficult for us to end a relationship and especially love, because we have poured our heart and soul into it. To really give up a relationship, one must stop reminiscing the past and move forward.

不明白这句,要还什么?
"the first thing you need to do is forget what do you pay before and stop to pay anymore. "