英语笑话

ju87

心情怪怪的就乱写点
#1: A self-appointed IRS agent
Two beggars were seen on the street of downtown Manhattan. One carried the sign "Need money for food" while his neighbor wrote on the sign "Will take 30% of what my neighbor gets."

ju87

#2: What are heuristics?
Pretending to do something while doing nothing.

ju87

#3: What I learned from my Algorithms professor.
"As we all know by now, the world is made up of 0s and 1s only."

ju87

#4: What does 'Da Prof' think of his students (Part 1)
Da Prof said: "I will need you to map out all of the key research areas before starting your own research."
What he actually meant: "Slave! You will do my bidding or kiss your graduation goodbye."

ju87

#5: What does 'Da Prof' think of his students (Part 2)
'Da Prof' said: A midterm will be given in class after your long Easter weekends to ensure that you can keep up with your studies.
What he actually meant: My in-laws are staying with us this Easter, so all of you will suffer my wrath.

ju87

#6: What does 'Da Prof' think of his students (Part 3)
'Da Prof' said: Hmm... a view worthy of serious consideration.
What he actually meant: I don't care.

ju87

#7: What does 'Da Prof' think of his students (Part 4)
'Da Prof' said: An interesting proposition, nevertheless, we seem to have digressed.
What he actually meant: I don't care either.

ju87

#8: What does 'Da Prof' think of his students (Part 5)
'Da Prof' said: Any further discussion along these lines is beyond the scope of this class.
What he actually meant: For the third time, I told you I don't care!

ju87

#9: Bill Gate's magic
While demonstrating the features of the latest touch-screen enabled Windows Operating System in a virtual world, Bill Gates parted the clouds, brushed aside streams of rain, crafted rivers and oceans effortlessly with simple hand gestures as if he was Zeus, the thunder god himself, when suddenly the BSOD struck and all his magic ceased to exist. Embarrassed, he bowed towards the crowd and said,
"No worries, there is nothing that can't be solved with a system reboot"

ju87

#10: A Star "War'ish" view of the Operating Systems
MacOS: "Never underestimate the dark side's power"
Unix: "Luke(s), I am your father"
Windows: "Mayday mayday, she is sinking!!"
Linux: "Welcome to the Rebel Alliance"

ju87

#11 What the squirrel yelling team does every morning
"Go nuts! Go nuts!"

ju87

#12 Browsers and their Star Wars counterparts (Not again!)
Firefox: Star Destroyer - I am huge, bulky and disorganized
IE: Death Star - I love to implode, god bless.
Chrome: Super Star Destroyer - "All your bits are belong to me!!"
Opera: R2D2- too small to notice in a fleets slug-out.

ju87

#13：What does 'bit' mean to the geeks?
"Gee, this gamers' dream laptop sure costs quite a 'BIT'"

ju87

#14: 3 signs you might be a computer nerd.
1. You encode and decode your name to and from '1's and '0's
2. You read articles and stories laid out on any published materials in sequential order.
3. Your 'type' on an imaginary keyboard as you happily performing the act above.

ju87

#15: If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
1. Europe: "We ideate"
2. USA: "We formulate"
3. Japan: "We create"
4. Asia: "We pirate"

ju87

#16: Raison d'etre of the continents in the years to come
Europe: The museums federation
Americas: The agricultural federation
Africa: The federation of the less-fortunate
China: The coalition of the pirates
Antarctica: The land of the penguins

ju87

#17: US: World Outlook - A.D. 1000
Russia: Enemy
China: Enemy, potential money pot
India: potential money pot
Japan: Our money pot
Australia: Kangaroos
New Zealand: They are sheep, mere sheep (Braveheart)
Middle east: kamikaze terrorists who are hogging our oil
Africa: A land far far away as depicted in a few episodes of the animal planet.
Europe: No oil, so who cares.
Canada: Ice hockey + beer people

ju87

#18: Canada: World Outlook - A.D. 1000 (Again!)
USA: People who took our lands
Russia: Barbarians eh?
Brazil: Hot naked women running all around sandy beaches
Africa: here be dragons
Middle East: None of our business, it's US' problem
Australia: Kangaroos eh?
China: Pirates eh?
Japan: Neighbor's money pot, darn, I'd soooooo want a piece of that too.
Antarctica: Penguins, but our polar bears are prettier.

ju87

#19. Showdown of the companies
Sun: Die Microsoft!
Microsoft: All of you, die!
IBM: I am outta here!
Apple: It matters not how pious you are, your faith is wrong!
Google: Soon, even your underwear will be a Google product.
Oracle: I come, I see, I buy
HP: Have mercy on a hapless old man.

ju87

#20: This stone looks familiar
A, B and C were walking down the street when they saw a newly installed IQ detection device. A note on the device claimed that one could find out one's IQ by simply touching one's forehead against the device. Driven by curiosity, the three of them took turns to try out the device. A went first, and the device's display flashed "IQ: 170 - you are a genius!" B followed suit, and the device read "IQ: 120 - you are almost a genius, try to work harder!" Lastly, it came to C, and the device pronounced "This is a piece of stone! I won't be easily fooled"

A and B laughed at C till their tears ran down their cheeks. Throughout the rest of the journey, B and C secretly promised themselves to train as hard as their could for the next occasion.

A few weeks later, A, B and C met again, and the three of them were eager to see how well they faired against each other. The usual, A went first, and, again, the machine flashed "IQ: 170 - you are a genius!" Then it came to B's turn, and the machine flashed "IQ: 160 - Congratulations, you are very close to becoming a genius!" Lastly, it was C's turn - the machine paused for a moment and blurted "This stone looks familiar."